That's a Good Thing

One of the trickier parts of being a parent is learning when to hold on, and when to let go. After using the babyTrekker every single day for over a year, the time came when my youngest, one year old Mari,wanted to walk everywhere. She'd point at the ground, or she'd look in my eyes, taking my face in her hands as if to say, listen to me. And at that moment, I really didn't want to.

If you are a parent like me who does everything in a hurry, this stage is a hard one. During the slow strolls down to the park, walking at a snails pace behind her, I felt like this tiny blonde child had become my own personal dictator. Mari absolutely loved being in the babyTrekker. She spent hours a day there while I worked on my business, cleaned the house and went on outings with the family. I'd designed the babyTrekker just for the purpose. And here she was, slowing me down, almost halting me in my tracks. She had a way of looking back at me, a little grin that seemed to tell me I'd be okay. I'd get through this stage just fine. And I did, of course. I learned to live in the moment, (which Oprah later told me is a good thing.) After a few weeks, Mari was happy to go in the babyTrekker again, though she preferred to play independently inside the house, most of the time. And here (again with Oprah!) was my big aha moment.

By listening to my baby, I learned some things along the way. Like the fact that slowing down was actually good for me. And that respecting Mari as an individual who knew what she needed would prepare me for all the changes that would come as our children grew up. It translates well to moments when your pre-teen gives you 'the look.' Parents of teenagers, please smile knowingly.

The first times it happens is a shock because, let's face it. For at least the first eight years of their childhood, mom and dad are the most important people in the world. 'The look' is their way of saying, 'Put me down. I can walk by myself.'

This is especially true for 'mother knows best' types like me. We need to raise children who are independent, for both our sakes. Oprah also used to say, that we should believe what people tell us about themselves. This is especially true of our children. Don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean that you quietly whisper 'alright' when your two year old wants to tour the neighborhood alone and naked (Mari) or that your fifteen year old has your approval on all her decisions. Hearing them is a completely different thing.

Sometimes they may not be proclaiming their independence. Sometimes what they really want is for someone to hold them tight, to let them know that our love is unconditional. When we send them that message, what we're really saying is 'you're good to go.' And if we've listened carefully over the years and they know that they've been heard, then that's what they do.

Holding On For Dear Life

On Sunday, my dad turned eighty-six years old. We held a small family party for him at our house, which is a little trickier than it used to be, because he can't walk. We had dinner in the garden, rolling his chair down the brick path and right up to the table. It was a treat for all of us, because we usually have to visit him at the nursing home where he lives.

It's hard for me to imagine that a time will come when dad won't be here anymore. We're just so comfortable together. We hug and kiss each other goodbye every single day. Even the switch in our roles has been an easy, if poignant, transition. Many of the things that my father used to do for me as a child, I now do for him. I'll brush his hair, or wash his face with a warm cloth. I'll fetch him a sweater, or put his shoes on him. He's okay with it, too. We're in such a smooth routine, it almost allows me to deny the fact that someday, I'll have to let him go. It makes me want to hold onto him for dear life.

But life is all about letting go. From the time our children start to walk, they begin to proclaim their independence. After a few months of tottering around on shaky legs, all they want to do is to explore their world. They alternate between pushing you away and then clinging to you as if the house was on fire. It can make your head spin, this back and forthness of their growing up.

We are all, both young and old, in a constant state of change. It's not a comfortable thought for someone like me who doesn't enjoy transitions. But there is one way to make life stand still for a moment. And that is to just stop right in the middle of whatever you're doing, and look around you. Pay attention to what's happening, and realize that this is your life moving along, small moment by small moment.

Whether you're just growing up or busy raising children, it can feel like it's taking forever. But one day, you look back, and it seems that it only took about five minutes. And if we're lucky, we realize that all the little moments in our lives, like sitting around the supper table on a warm summer night, or helping a tired child get ready for bed, were the ones that were the most important in the end. And then it doesn't matter what you grew up to be, or if your child is a good athlete, or is terrible in math. What counts is that you have a precious chain of many moments, where you were fully aware that they were, and are, the blessings that make up a life.